80 HDs

It always feeling so impossible to reach any of my goals. I am not the first person to face this problem I'm aware, but it feels especially suffocating right now. Everyone is getting into colleges and planning out their lives. I'm afraid to even start. It's like not wanting to ever walk because someday you will inevitably fall. Just the primal urge too never let the chance for failure ever enter the equation. I've heard “not doing anything is failure” but I don't see how I could fail at something that never happened.

I wonder if I'm even good enough to try. Like if I really achieved whatever it was, do I deserve any happiness or satisfaction it would bring? The feeling that if i really did it would be because of other people and not my own abilities. I guess I'm just afraid I can't really accomplish anything on my own.

Maybe the stress of midterms is getting to me, who knows.

This is a blog for the ramblings of someone with several HDs. Sometimes it feels like its helps to get all the thoughts bouncing around in my head out on paper so this is a blog with simultaneously a direction and no direction. I think that's why I love to write so much. All of my thoughts can be seen and organized and for once I feel like I have a little bit of control. I wish I had more control in general cause things just happen to me. I sorta just roll with the punches. Its really hard to think right now though cause I drank too much caffeine again.